This is the last time I'm going to talk about this for awhile.
It's been on my mind the past few months, so I'm going to explain why.
(tl;dr ver: I don't think I qualify for NoSurf anymore.
I'll leave up my older posts about it, and I might occasionally write on the general landscape. However, if you'd like better advice than I can give, check out the people on my links page or the website.)
It's interesting to me how even in a fictional situation, when given 2 lose lose paths, people get really angry about it. They say "What is the point of choosing if no matter what I pick, I lose?! This is bullshit!". Yep. It sucks.
On one end, you succeed at one goal, but give up on the other.
On the other end, you fail your goal, but succeed at the other.
In this certain situation it's not possible to pass both at the same time.
That's where cognitive dissonance happens!
Am I a flipflopper or a hypocrite?
Am I a quitter or a loser?
So...
I've realized I've come to a turning point.
I know I have a screen addiction. I know the way out. I know what to do.
So do I do it? Or not?
This isn't easy to say but, I've decided to refuse. (For now)
Totally cringe, but! I'm sure it's sunny, I'm sure it's fun. I'm sure it's wonderful out there. But, I'm not ready to yet.
I decided to continue being a digital creator, and not only that, but to double down.
To go forward, by going backwards. To exist on a screen behind a digital mask. So maybe someday I can exist off the screen.
How do I put it? I put my stat points the "wrong" way. I invested too much to back out now. The sunk cost fallacy.
I stared into the abyss, and I realized, I'm not ready to face it yet. I'm not strong enough yet, I don't have enough EXP yet.
This is a gamble. But it's a high reward, only if I succeed. It's too early for me to quit. (or maybe it's copium lol)
...I really should never be a IRL gambler! lol I'm unlucky, remember? But I'm talking about in a less literal sense here.
But why?
(*By 1-ish year, I mean when I wasn't on Twitter or YouTube. I was still on Discord. Depending on your definition of social media vs chatting app etc. Feels like these days any major site technically counts as social media. Even modern forums have likes on them.)
I tried quitting Twitter several times. Deleted the accounts, and all that. Not faking quitting like deleting but still lurking Reddit, but "not even loading the URL" kind of quit. lol
I tried alternative websites, I tried a personal website, I tried hoping something would come up and magically fix it. I tried to pretend it didn't exist.
Maybe that could have worked in 2005, but it's not 2005. And even then they probably self promoed on forums or something. lol
I got some pageviews, I made some new art, but there wasn't really any forward movement being completely removed from the algorithms. Because besides the occasional curious person, not many are looking for new creators that way anymore. I'm happy it's more than I originally expected! But there are still limits.
"Not Enough". I feel like that's always what it comes back to.
You need followers for showing you are "valid" and to earn income, you gain followers by making stuff people like, and you get them to like by getting them to look.
But what if they never look in the first place?
Or maybe they do look and I'm not good enough for them to care yet...
I get that. But at the same time, how am I supposed to get better if there's nowhere to go? Nobody to turn to?
I feel like I suck at all of this. I suck at marketing, I suck at networking, and I suck at getting better at it. And then I start to vent about that, because I feel stuck and frustrated.
I feel like I climb out of one pit, and head straight into the next one. That the biggest obstacle of all, is being witnessed in the first place. I know that sounds corny, but it really does feel that way.
I forget if I posted it already, but I used to joke: "If someone posts something, but no one ever sees it, does that post exist?"
I understand logically that centuries ago none of this would even exist. That there are many creatives who toiled for decades in solitude without a single "like" or witness.
But emotionally, I want more than this. Even if it's selfish to want more.
But the inner critic will always say those are mere excuses...
Maybe one day I'll be able to write something more positive for you. I swear I do have that too, but it's hard to get it down. I still feel a bit timid about it. I don't want to sound like bragging or like I'm worked up over nothing.
It's a double edged sword. My highs are high, but my lows are low. But I keep fighting the endless lows in hopes of getting another high. Or maybe even a +1.
Is it really that strange that I ended up like this? I had to be.
Sometimes I wonder how foolish I really am... And most foolish of all, will people still accept me, even if I'm a cringey losing it mess?
I tried using a dumbphone once. It probably wasn't the best time to, but when is it ever?
I thought it would be easy, and you'd think by now I'd have learned it's never easy. If it were that easy, do you think there would be communities dedicated to getting away from it? Simple isn't always easy.
It kinda worked. But it was too limiting.
And I was going to try it again for a 2nd time, but it didn't support the sim card I wanted to use.
I got back into reading books and listening to physical music. I consider that a small win in the grand scheme of things.
After the shiny newness of AI wore off, it started to feel less and less appealing.
The more of it I see, the less I care. The more it feels like the same old grey as always.
And boy did AI sludge make content slop and content fatigue increase quickly. I don't know if it's depression or overexposure, but it feels like less and less sparks joy. Feels like everyone is on autopilot. I get these past few years have been a lot, but I hope someday it'll get better.
So why did I fail? I feel pretty guilty about it.
I think it's because I have too much of myself in here. Not literally but more, I was raised by screens.
I don't need to wait 20 years to know how it ends.
Screens replaced people, and in it's place is anxiety and depression.
But it feels like there are so many questions with no good answers.
The hedgehog's dillemma is a pain. If you try, there's pain, but if you don't try, there's still pain.
Sometimes I feel like the time before screens was lifetimes ago. Sometimes I wish I could go and do it again. But I can't. Not in the same way as then.
Sometimes I get the urge to delete all of this. I've done it before, and I could do it again.
But I'm tired of that. It's too self destructive. And it's not fair to the people who do care. I don't like when creators do that to me, so I shouldn't do that either.
I have a lot of internal debate. Not shocking.
But there's parts that want to do this, parts that don't, parts that think everything will be okay, and parts that think this is doomed from the start. Sometimes I wish I could be more open about it, but I don't want it to be too much.
I wish I could write this in a song, in a way that's better than this. I still want to one day, but it might take awhile. I'm starting from scratch here.
Maybe one day I'll be a bit braver & wiser than I am right now.
Maybe one day I'll be free-er and give it another go.
Maybe one day I won't feel the need to hide behind a digital mask.
Maybe one day I'll have the answers for you.
But not today. Not right now.
(Ugh I don't know why I'm writing so chuuni today... Sorry the blog has been a bit emo lately. I'm fine though! lol)
If you'd like to reply to this I have a comment box and a contact email.
If you'd like to support what I do, I have a Ko-fi.