In a bit of a cynical and self critical headspace today. I often feel torn between the side that wants to escape, and the side that wants to create. I get a bit emo in this one. lol
When I started all of this, I thought it would be easy. It looks so easy.
Make somehing, then post it online? That's it? I'm sure there's countless comments saying "this is so easy, even I could do it!".
But I wonder how many realize the ease is an illusion? Which brings me into today's topic.
(TW: Depression, low self esteem, etc. in some headings)
The phrase "many will enter, few will win" comes from traditional media contests aimed at children. It's said in a way so that younger audiences will understand that not every single person who enters a contest will win a prize.
It's funny, now that I think about it. People would joke about participation trophies and that they were spoiling children. But growing up, I never cared about those trophies.
Why would I care about an acknowledgement of achievement when I never truly earned it? When the prize was for showing up? No, those trophies were to impress the parents. (imo) When everyone is a winner, no one wins. At least when it comes to some things.
Yet for some reason "many will enter, few will win" is engrained in my head from ads from decades ago. I never entered a single one of those contests. And yet I still remember all the promises they made.
Sometimes I feel like that it describes social media and online content creation perfectly. Everyone wants to play, but only a few will win the prize of money and fame.
But even if it's become a bit of a cliche these past few years, I think for a long time social media wasn't pitched that way. It wasn't pushed as a creative lotto. It claimed everyone could be a winner! Just post enough, and it'll happen. Each post another chance. No, it WILL happen!
You could say it's sour grapes, buyer's remorse, whatever you want. I do feel bitter about it. Maybe I was a fool to ever think it'd be different.
I probably saw this online at some point, but I don't remember the source.
When you go to a fair or amusement park, you'll sometimes see people carrying around a giant plush prize. It could be a Pikachu, or an octopus, but most well known is the giant teddy bear.
And as you are wandering the park, you see all these people walking around carrying their prizes. And you start to think "I want that prize too! It can't be that difficult, all these people have one!". And that's the bait. These winners are walking advertisements for the games.
But what you don't realize until playing the games yourself is, this is an illusion. You will only see the people who have won the prize. You don't see all the invisible losers. Because the losers don't get anything. They look no different from people who have never entered the game in the first place.
That's what it feels like online too. Everyone talks about the winners. The winners say "you can win too, just like me!" But again, the losers are invisible. Whether that be silently quitting, or never appearing in the first place.
Anyone who shows up on your feed has won. It may be a tiny win, but they won the fight of appearing at all.
The house always wins. Whether you win or lose, they win. And there will always be new people to lure in. Probably.
I've always considered myself an unlucky person. I know that's not healthy, but let me explain.
I've tried entering contests, I've tried to bet on my creative work, I've tried spinning the content wheel thousands of times. And I'm not really a winner. In fact, I think anyone would say it's pretty unlucky if I gave the full story. (which I won't for personal reasons, but trust me, it's kinda sad funny)
I am one of those invisible losers. Both online and offline. (*When writing this) I'm not proud of that, but it feels true. Sometimes the odds aren't in your favor.
Life isn't like TV. Sometimes you get a losing hand, and it dominos and snowballs into an avalanche of misfortune and unlucky pulls. There's no last second turn around.
You climb out, then plummet back down again. Up, and down, up, and down. A small incline followed by a sharp downturn.
Most people won't talk about this. No one wants to be a loser. No one wants to admit they didn't get where they wanted to be. No one wants to feel like they failed. (Okay maybe a bit dramatic lol, but you get what I mean.)
In some gacha games, when you spin the wheel (pull from the gacha pool) enough times, sometimes you can earn a "pity win". Where your luck was so bad, even the game decides to give you something for your troubles. Because it wants you to keep spinning. And people who never win won't want to play. Even if it's after hundreds of losses, they want at least one win.
I don't know if I'll ever get a pity win. But I spin the wheel again, in hopes maybe someday it'll happen. It's better than never trying at all. Those lost years might as well have never happened because nothing changed.
For some people, all they can hope for is a mercy act, an act of pity, something to keep it up.
(I use some gambling comparisons in this post. I understand it can be troubling, which is why I stopped playing gacha games and games with gambling mechanics. But sometimes creating itself feels like it's been turned into a game too.)
(Gets vent-ish below here)
Real life felt like a popularity game in the past. "You either got it or don't". I knew I didn't have "it".
So I tried to escape online. And for awhile, it was so fun! There was so many passionate and nerdy people online! I felt like I belonged here!
...Then social media and "likes" attacked. And gradually the internet became a popularity contest (again). And I knew, I couldn't win this. I'm not pretty, I got no "rizz", I'm just a shy nerd. That's not likable. ...At least, I used to think that.
I tried my best. Maybe not "the" best ever, but I tried. I watched countless hours of tutorials, I tried following the trends, looking up the ritual for the best format and timing. I tried changing my style and content. And was met with a resounding silence.
I thought hate was the worst, but sometimes I wonder if the silence hurts more. Because haters care enough to at least talk to you. You made some kind of impression.
But silence? You weren't worth even 2 seconds of their time. You put 100 hours into it, and your "prize" was a 1% clickthrough rate and 0 comments.
Imagine that for almost a decade straight.
But don't feel upset about that. Don't feel like you want to quit. No.
If you say that, it's "do another! next time may be different! quitters never win!". And sure maybe by #2000, maybe something will happen!
...What's the definition of insanity again?
Maybe I really have "lost" it, after all. lol
I'm using this section as an excuse to link Evangelion music. (I really should rewatch it but I don't want another existential crisis yet lol)
It just keeps tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down...
...
I've always felt like I didn't belong here.
Not that I was better than anyone, but the opposite.
I was so bad, I was so lame, I was so shitty. I didn't deserve to be here. Other people deserved it more.
Every breath I took was a waste. Every word I said was useless. Nothing I did mattered. Why did I have to be born here? I never belonged here.
I couldn't even "make it" on the internet! The fucking internet! Where anyone could make it!!
Is this some kind of joke?
On my bad days, I feel like it'll never stop. Why would I ever expect anything good to happen?
I try to shove it down. Drown out the voice that says those things. You spend your life on the internet, but don't you dare ever show what an impact it's had on you! Because that's too negative, too messy, too annoying.
I'm so sick of all the shame. The fear. The dread. But you know what? I don't fucking care today.
Sometimes I feel like I'm only existing for other people. Because they like me more than I do.
I get to see the ugly messy parts. I get to remember every painful thing that has ever happened. I get the thoughts that none of this ever matters. That I'm just wasting my time.
The big void where a life and love and other things should be. Just me, alone in my room, typing on a keyboard. Like always.
Bouncing from one addiction to the next. Like a yoyo. Like I'm failing the life simulator.
And then the blame and shame. Again.
I don't belong here! Why don't you get that?
...
But then I get over it for awhile. Holding onto hope, because what else is there?
I need to say goodbye. Not to a person, but to a place. It's rare you get the chance to say goodbye.
Everything fades to monochrome eventually. Even on the internet. All that's left now are my faded memories.
"That place" still lives in my head rent-free. I didn't forget you bastards.
I don't know how many of you are still alive. I don't know where you are now. I don't expect any of them to ever see this.
Sometimes I wish I could go back. For all the pain, and shit, and everything. Maybe it was always shit, but it was our shit.
Nostalgia is fucked up like that. To cling to the place with bittersweet memories. I'm not supposed to do that. I'm not supposed to say that. I wasn't even supposed to be around.
I don't think I'll ever say it fully. Would be too clingy. But I can say this at least.
For better and worse, that place changed me. It became part of me. It almost feels like survivor's guilt. That I'm still here, and it's not.
Sometimes I think, "what would they say now?". ...Why am I crying? It's just strangers on the internet. I shouldn't care about this.
Is it grief?
I can already guess they'd say "imagine crying about some shitty imaginary internet posts".
Sometimes it feels like the only constant in life is people leaving. Sometimes this doesn't even feel like real life. It feels like this nightmare that'll never end.
I feel like the world I knew back then is gone. Not with a "bang", but with a whimper. (god damnit fucking cowboy bebop comic I swear to god!)
You were too optimistic, you know? You said it'd be decades, but it was more like years.
It feels like "Don't Look Up". If I knew we only had a few years left, I wish I lived them more. Joined the community more. Laughed more. Even if I'm a hypocrite for valuing things that vanish instead of the real things.
I'm still alive, I maybe have many years left, but I don't know.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, even if that place is gone, I'll try my best to be the person I try to be. Even if it's cringe. Even if it's whiny. Even if I'll never git gud.
F to you all. o7
Me procrastinating at writing in a journal. It feels too open and intimate.
And yet, I'll write a 10K blog post like it's nothing. As if no one will ever see it.
I know it's absurd.
When I first got into youtube, I loved media. I loved watching shows. I loved watching reviews about shows. I loved seeing the community discuss about shows and making fanart.
But over the years, media got replaced with "content" and then "2nd screen content".
Gone were characters and stories and moments, and replaced with meta talking about anything and everything.
Maybe one day I'll be "brave" enough to face some of that giant backlog of older media and talk about it. I'm sorry for procrastinating so much. I don't know why I get afraid, it's just media. lol
I was going to write more about online creation, but I think that's enough for today.
I might edit it later if I feel like it's not working. Idk.
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