It's been 1 year since I opened my personal website! And about 6 months since I started YouTube!(*)
(*)I'm starting from my first real upload as the milestone date (May 21st 2024), rather than when the channel page was created. (Dec 2022)
Bloggy part:
It's been pretty chilly this week. Feels more like winter when it's cold! lol
I had a lot going on this week, as the holidays are coming up.
Earlier this week I watched my kamioshi do a chatting stream, it was pretty comfy. I had a good time!
Quick annual numbers update for those interested (when writing this post):
I was going to write a longer post about numbers since it was on my mind a lot this year, but I felt kinda silly midway through. I may still write about it for discussion sake, but it may take longer than I originally planned.
If you're wondering what my thoughts are, I haven't quite kicked the habit yet. But I'm getting better! Kinda...
I'm thinking of only talking about it for certain milestones, and maybe posts like this.
That's another thing. I had a couple blog posts in development, but I couldn't get it to come out in a satisfying way. I've been working on thumbnails and streaming more, so less time to write blog posts.
But I would like to try and make this a yearly tradition. We'll see lol
Speaking of which instead of picking a yearly word at the start of the year, I'll pick one at the end.
This year I'd say [Patience].
When I started the year I was very impatient.
I felt like I desparately wanted a win.
I think part of it is, my IRL life was unstable in the past. I felt unstable as a person and in life. I had a shaky foundation.
And that reflected in my creative work. I couldn't seem to stick to anything, because I felt insecure and unconfident and self hating.
I've gone through various shortlived identities over the years. But I feel like this time it's different, because I'm not alone anymore.
That maybe instead of attacking myself for not being perfect and my flaws, what I was actually looking for all along was community and acceptance. And through that I realized, maybe I don't have to rush this like I originally thought. That it's okay to take things a bit at a time.
I think I realized today why my spoken voice and written voice are so different.
When I'm speaking outloud, I'm trying to entertain people. I want to make sure they have a good time and feel good.
But when I'm speaking in written words, I'm trying to express my thoughts and feelings. I want those reading to think about things and maybe find something they relate to.
I had some really rough times this year.
All of this combined and in the middle of the year I was at rock bottom again. Stuck in this pit. Again.
I was in despair and pissed. "I worked so hard to hold it together! Come on! I really want a win! I just want something good to happen!"
For the first time in nearly a decade, I considered the thought of quitting my creative work for good this time.
That if I couldn't get a win by the end of the year, I'd call it quits and surrender to my fate.
I understand not everyone reading this post knows all the lore and context, so I'll try to give a summary to explain why.
I have been interested in drawing from a young age. For over 20 years.
It started as a hobby, then became a passion, then became a frustration.
I quit drawing for about 5 years. I was too depressed to draw anything.
I've been battling depression for all of my adult life. I don't want to get too heavy, but what I can say is I didn't think I'd get this far.
Eventually I started drawing again as a hobby. I couldn't afford art school, but I thought maybe if I kept trying I could do it on the side.
I didn't come from an artist kind of family. I don't like to talk about them much, but basically I wasn't encouraged to pursue art.
I often felt ashamed of my art. I felt ashamed of myself, and everything it represented.
I tried some half hearted attempts at Twitter art. I tried some more frequent attempts at Twitter art. I dabbled in other sites, but nothing felt like that magic I found in DeviantArt as a teen.
I couldn't shake this feeling that we had shifted from community to competition. From art trades to don't reshare. From mutual comments to scrolling. Maybe it was just in my head. Maybe I was really unlucky. But that's what it felt like to me at the time.
For about maybe 12 years or so, I felt like I was shouting into the void as a creator.
I'd try researching how to improve as a social media creator, I'd try trends, tried consistency. But I felt like I forgot how to be social. I would post my art and run away. I see why that didn't work now, but at the time I couldn't see it. I was too afraid to show myself.
If I gave the long and gory story, I think most people in my shoes would have given up by now. I almost gave up many times.
Every step of the way, it felt like I was being told to stop doing it. Give up on my stupid dreams and accept that sometimes things suck.
They say insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect something different. I was doing that! All I could see was failure!
...It's almost like the opposite of an Oscars speech! lol
But I didn't want to give up. It would feel like abandoning a core part of myself, and proving that I was worthless all along. That they were right.
The reason why I thought this would be the last time is, I was running out of energy to give. It was getting harder to pick myself back up. I would give it my all, and if it still failed, then I would give up for good. Give up myself. Give up my dreams. I could at least say I gave it my all.
But something different happened this time.
I was growing! I was getting feedback! People were seeing my work and enjoying it!
After a couple of very rough years, I finally felt like I was getting better! (although tbh it's more like it was a rough decade... ahhh I'm sorry!)
I heard recently that sometimes people take about a decade to get going? I'm not sure but I wish I knew it sooner.
I felt like I was bad at everything. I had no confidence in myself, how was I supposed to then pitch myself?
A change happened a few years ago. I met someone I looked up to.
They got a ton of hate, but they didn't let it stop them. They kept going and kept being themself. They had a ton of fans that loved seeing them and their work.
And from then I thought "If they can be loved, maybe there's someone out there that will love me too".
A fan was always a vague thought to me. I knew I was a big fan of many things, but I never really thought about what it'd be like to have fans of my work. I wanted them, but I was afraid of letting them down. I was afraid of them hating me.
I was afraid I'd be depressed forever. And if I was depressed, then I wasn't worth to be loved by others.
(I don't mean to get so negative in these blog posts. I want to look on the bright side. This was supposed to be a positive post...)
I don't know how to express it, but I care a lot about things.
And I felt like for a long time I was a failure and letting everyone I cared about down.
I went from a bright kid with a promising future, to a hikkiNEET (meaning) afraid of the world and themself. And I blamed myself harshly for that.
I just wanted a win so badly. Then I got it. I finally got it!
Yet I still feel like I need to apologize for those wasted years...
Because I was trying. I was trying really hard. And to try really hard and fail, it hurts. It hurts really bad.
If I hadn't tried, I could say "well I wasn't trying!". But I was.
Even when I didn't want to get up, I tried. ;_;
I'd create while IRL I felt like life had lost all meaning.
Because I didn't want to give up on the hope of a better future.
The reason why I mentioned patience is I think I can keep trying now. I can be more patient now. I can be in it for the long haul. Even if occasionally I relapse and doubt myself...
I do have some self confidence now. I love myself more. I insult myself less.
I can talk outloud and show myself, even if only partly.
And I'm happy. I'm grateful. I'm excited!!!
I want to get better at expressing that. I'm sorry I'm not good at it yet.
There's so many things I haven't experienced yet! So many things I still want to do!
Something I would frequently do when I was severely depressed, is I would try to have something to look forward to. Even if it was a small tiny thing. So I could say "Hold on a bit longer! Pick yourself up and try again! Don't give up yet!".
I hope even if I still have my sad days, that I can make it worth it. I'll keep working hard for those who support me. And try to work on forgiving myself for my past failures.
Thank you so much for reading and supporting me!💜
PS
Response to last year (2023):
I remember being so excited about starting a new website! I was nervous, but I thought I'd give it a try.
And through updating the website, I realized it's okay to be a work in progress. It's okay to shift things around, add new things, delete old things. I learned that I can do things at my own pace. Gaining that bit of confidence led to me starting my youtube channel after years of procrastination.
I found new communities, met new friends, and carved out a little piece of the web for myself.
I might not always post frequent updates, but it taught me what it meant to have an internet home. That I'd like to keep coming back here for years, if I can. And if I can't, I can always try again.
I stopped caring how many views the website gets. I don't check them over and over anymore. I decided that since I do it for fun and ONLY for fun, it doesn't matter. What matters is I have fun doing it.
No SEO spam, no sponsored posts, no tons of ads and bloat, no affliate links, no marketing funnel. I have an option to donate a tip if you enjoyed it. That's it atm.
That's not to say I'll stop caring completely for youtube, but I'm hoping as I gain experience I'll be able to focus more on the process instead.
I've been revisiting some of the old sites I used to enjoy I haven't been on in forever. Been using the desktop again too.
Being on a smartphone seems like a completely different user experience.
Maybe it's oldfashioned, but I really do believe that.
Maybe other people can control themselves more, maybe they can create better things on a phone. But for me, I enjoy the older way. You think I could type these essays on a phone? I'd have more wrist problems than I already do! lol
So I think maybe a combo approach is how I learn how to use the internet intentionally. (more about that here)
I use my phone as a phone and my computer as a computer. That what I was looking for wasn't a 0% scrolling rate and 0 minutes of screen time. But to be happy enough with the life I live that I don't need to obsess over screen time and shame myself for wanting to be unproductive sometimes.
Endless scroll though? That shit is way too addictive! I think the internet was different without it.
But I agree with what I said last year. I don't hate the internet. I've remembered why I loved the internet in the first place. And hopefully someday I'll be able to enjoy being online AND offline. I don't have to pick one or the other.
Maybe that sounds like cope, but this is what I chose. I'm not saying anyone has to do what I do. I'm sharing my experiences and trying to start a discussion. That's what I like doing.
Also hopefully someday I'll learn to be less hard on myself. I've been realizing lately that I can decide to have fun! I don't have to take everything so seriously. It doesn't mean I don't care. Caring and being happy don't have to be separate things!
If you'd like to reply to this I have a comment box and a contact email.
If you'd like to support what I do, I have a Ko-fi.
