Hey! It's me, I am here.
I'm going to be blunt that this is a vent post. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.
Sometimes when nothing else is working, word vomit helps.
But this is the public version, because as I said on YouTube recently, I feel like being quiet is often misjudged.
It seems lately I've had more advice about *not* creating, than getting creating done.
But I dunno, maybe that's relatable to somebody? (shrugs)
Quick progress updates before the vent.
Also this new song called "Mom Friend" dropped, and I'm addicted. It's definitely fitting the vibes right now.
I feel like at most jobs, if you stop doing that job, you're going to be judged or fired. You're supposed to be doing a job, and you're not, that's obvious.
But it's more complicated when it comes to creativity, art block, and burnout.
The job and the hurdles are coming from the *same* source.
Art block is kinda like a printer jam, maybe.
If it's jammed, you can't do the job of printing properly.
So then your new job is to get it unjammed.
I feel like that is kind of like an artist trying to manage both making art, and struggling through art block.
Rather than a lack of ideas, it's more getting stuck when trying to get those ideas outside of yourself.
But sometimes it can also be a lack of inspiration.
If you're putting in crap, and feeling like crap, it's pretty damn difficult to make anything that's *not* crap!
Some people also use the metaphor of a car engine stalling. You want to get moving, but you can't until the issue is fixed first.
Been having a lot of that lately.
I feel like no matter which way I bend, no juice is coming out. ...Or like, any dish I try to serve is burnt, or mushy, or tastes strange.
Something I feel like people don't talk enough about when you switch from an analog creator to a digital creator.
When you use pencil and paper, the worst thing you have to worry about is your pencil breaking. Or your pen running out of ink. Or the paper ripping.
But when you switch to digital creation, there's so many things that can go wrong! Including, but not limited to, the following points:
It's something I could attempt to juggle when it was just drawing pictures.
But now that I'm adding video editing, recording, and potentially even more digital forms of art in the future, this is only getting to get bigger and more frustrating.
More time spent juggling things *not working*, than *actually working*...
Some days I REALLY miss drawing on paper and scanning it into a scanner machine to post online...
And having like 10 people see it, and being happy with that, because I was still young and felt like I had plenty of time left.
Instead, I'm a failing adult, and the stress never goes away for long...
Kinda dreading recording lately, because you really can't hide your tone of voice.
Some of the recordings sound bad or off, but I can't get it to sound "right" either.
It's difficult to explain. I can change my voice sometimes, but it's not as consistent as someone who does it as their job. It's kind of like, I change my state of mind, and that changes my voice. But if I'm unable to get in the right headspace, my "bad" feelings will leak through.
I can hide my feelings, to a point. But if I'm pressed I can crack too.
So often I hear the advice "you need to be relaxed and at home". And I'm like "wow I guess I might as well wait for hell to freeze over too!". I am still trying to figure out how to find that safe space. Or how to create it.
But to me a life without stress feels like a summer without heat. It's probably possible in theory, but highly unlikely. And if it did happen, people would probably freak out.
...Okay maybe that's not a good metaphor! lol
But it takes a ton of energy for me to do the whole performance thing. The performance of being a happy human, always eager to help others.
It's not because I don't want to do, but more I don't know how to stop.
If someone who nevers helps is at one extreme, someone who always helps is at the opposite extreme.
So some people will need to learn how to help others more, while others need to learn how to help themselves more.
It's when I'm drained, exhausted, cranky, with no energy left, that I really struggle.
It's like being on an endless treadmill, and if I stop moving, I'm going to fall over and hurt myself. So I go with the lesser pain of going past my limits instead.
Or in other words, I really struggle at relaxing and doing nothing!
Which is a problem, because you need that empty space to be creative and think of new ideas.
And yeah, the stress is eating at my brain, and my heart. Literally and figuratively.
Another thing to address in therapy.
"But others are struggling, so who cares about me!" 🢀 that urge right there. That is part of the issue.
Was debating if I should eventually turn this into a video script idea. I've read a few books about it, and I think it's something important to talk about in a meta sense. But for now this is the mini version.
I am both a creator and an addict.
Not rehab levels of addict, but doing things that are obviously bad at my own expense and wellbeing.
Screen addiction, drinking, obsessing over fiction, caffiene addiction, overthinking everything, etc.
But when I overdo the drinking, it hurts me creatively too. Or rather, sometimes you want less limits, but it can also lead to head empty and distractions.
So it's trying to find balance with these things, and quitting things that are too addicting.
Going into the addict vs creating.
Sometimes we channel the energy of life into addiction, instead of creation.
This can be hard to see at times.
But like, some people get sad, and they draw something. Or go sing. Or write a book. Or bake a cake. Or...
While other people get sad, and they go shopping. Or drinking their sorrows away. Or gamble. Or...
I also believe that there are a lot of unwritten works inside myself too. Things that I've been wanting to say, wanting to make, but couldn't face properly.
Or feeling self doubt about if it's worth sharing it.
I feel like people don't give artists enough credit about how difficult creating can be sometimes.
Because often creating is NOT as easy as: thing in, thing out.
I think if it was, more people would try doing it.
But instead they go "I don't have talent at this, it's not worth it, why bother?".
And I hope maybe by sharing some of these things, you can understand that it's not always easy for me either.
It always kinda bothered me when people labelled creative classes as "an easy A", or not needing effort.
It's more right brained than some of the left brained jobs, but it's still brainpower at stake here.
The starving artist cliche is one of the biggest smear campaigns ever.
"You don't want to do art, that's useless! You'll be broke!"
Imagine if we approached other fields like that.
I imagine some people act that way, but the point is, don't you understand how harsh that sounds?
Because creators hear messages like that constantly. Their whole lives, really.
I know I have. Maybe you have too?
But the funny thing is, guess what? For people like me, we end up broke either way.
If you're not the right fit for society, or you've got lots of baggage, getting out of that pit often feels impossible.
So eventually I realized "If I'm going to be broke either way, if the time is going to pass no matter what, then why not try to do something that is meaningful to me?".
I am kinda sick of it sometimes. I definitely have debated quitting art and going the normal path before.
But those paths are starting to be erased too. Options feel like they are shrinking for everyone.
In fact, sometimes it feels like the world doesn't even WANT art anymore!
Everything begins to blur together, and all I see is noise.
Talking heads, pointless fights, hatred, bitterness.
Noise, noise, noise.
Artists complain and cry that nobody wants art.
Sometimes I wonder those questions too.
But I try to remind myself, that it's not the artists.
That it's the pressure created by the algorithms of closed gardens, who maximize engagement over fufillment.
We need spaces that value "art" above "content" or "slop" again.
Don't know if it'll ever happen, but for now I try to support art I like, and tell other people to do it too.
Occasionally I see people debate over if vent art or vent posts should exist or not.
But I think there are some things that can't really be expressed in words.
Sometimes we create, because we want an outlet for the things that words fail.
...Though admittedly I do have a lot of words too! lol
I've been debating doing some vent art in the future.
Because I need a healthier way of dealing with my problems. And art can help with that sometimes.
I get nervous about it, because it can be seen as super cringe or incredibly lame to talk about honest and heavy feelings.
I have to accept that is always going to be a factor.
It turns out that time passing along doesn't always magically fix everything! Who'da thought? lol
While I feel like I have more answers, and a slightly better mindset than before, everything isn't solved.
I think that sometimes people are afraid to admit that. That they aren't as together as they seem.
That we're all in shit together. Metaphorically...
But uh one of those ongoing issues for me, is the inner critic. And self doubt.
Like a shark finding blood in the water, the Inner Critic or Inner Anti loves flaring up at the worst possible time.
I don't think I'm ever going to find a logical solution to this problem, because if there was a way to logic out of this, I hope I'd have found it by now.
The most I can really do is kinda treat it like a kid yelling "I hate you! You're the worst ever!", and go "ah, you're upset at me, I see", and wait it out... lol
I've been more public about it the past few years, but this has been going on forever. I don't really remember when it started, it's been that long.
Just imagine me trying to draw something, or editing on a computer, and having someone yelling "THIS IS TRASH! THAT LOOKS SHITTY! YOU'RE DUMB!" the whole time.
But they live in your head, so you can't kick them out, or go to another room. They follow you everywhere.
The perks of being mentally ill... heh
I've tried CBT before, and I feel like it's like trying to put out a raging fire with a bucket of water. It sounds like it would work, but in reality, it's simply not enough to stop it.
I can't help but laugh when seeing the lists and handouts of "Have you ever tried replacing your negative thoughts with better ones?".
Oh gee, I wish it were that simple! 'Just don't think bad thoughts, dumbass!'
I don't know. Maybe the hurting part of me feels like it's bullshit. Maybe I am mad at that kind of advice.
Or maybe it's because copium is already the name of the game, and that's more of a bandaid on a wound much bigger than a scrape.
I guess you can have more examples of what I'm dealing with.
...I don't know if giving an identity to that would make it better or worse. But maybe it'd help, to separate it from me? I don't know.
Another thing about that anti, is it saves it's worst judgement for me, and me only.
That's the ironic thing. People think I'm judging them, and I think they're judging me, but really it's the worst offender.
But I do fight it!
It's something I've been fighting for a long time.
I really am trying to get better.
I can't really say what it used to say, but it was definitely worse than that. lol
Okay so I yapped A TON about this!
"Wow does Sen hate art that much?"
No.
Venting isn't the same thing as resentment.
These things are my problems. Everyone has problems.
Even if I were to quit art someday and get a different job, I'd still have problems.
Really that should be added to the death and taxes quote.
People as long as they exist, will always have problems.
If humans were to have no problems, they would invent new ones.
I think accepting that can help.
So just because sometimes I feel frustrated, and hopeless, and angry, and bitter, and all these things people don't like talking about.
It's not the same thing as hatred.
Because I also have relief, hope, happiness, and inspiration. Maybe even really rarely joy and a high too.
I still have the desire to improve, to want to keep being around art, and to find myself as a creator.
I wonder if other artists feel that way. Look at themselves as "them the human", and "them the artist".
Maybe that's why people use pen names.
That's why I like having different names and personas.
But sometimes "me the human" is blocking "me the artist".
Hi! It's me again. Me, the human, and the artist.
(...So corny! I'm sorry lmao)
Thank you for reading!
I'm hoping this is more some bumps on the road, and I'll get back on track eventually.
If you'd like to reply to this I have a comment box and a contact email.
If you'd like to support what I do, I have a Ko-fi.