Yesterday I had a day that felt 3 days long. Today I had a day that felt like 3 hours. And I'm anxious about that! Why?
I always feel like I don't have enough time. Even when I have plenty of time!
Yesterday I rushing from thing to thing, filling my head with information. In real life.
Today I was rushing from thing to thing, filling my head with information. On the internet.
And yet despite doing the same exact thing from a first glance, today felt way shorter.
That's because yesterday I was surrounded by people, and today I'm surrounded by screens.
Yesterday I was together, today I am alone.
And I think the whiplash of it all made me realize "this is what people have been talking about when they say screens speed up time".
Ever since I started trying to become a "real" youtuber, a "real" artist, I've been having more and more of my brain filled with content.
Other people's content, my content, future content.
I rush from content to content, hoping the next one will be the content to get my name out there.
And today going from watching youtube, to making content for youtube, to youtube, to staring at the growing list of things I haven't finished. I'm so anxious.
And I think having all this swirling around in my head, there's the thought "what if this feeling never goes away?".
I know that sounds absurd, but I think about it.
I went from anxiety about growing up, to anxiety about getting out there, to anxiety about not being good enough, to anxiety about getting older, to anxiety about making more content, to anxiety about streaming, to anxiety about numbers, to anxiety about how behind I am.
And on my bad days I think "what if this is all I am? what if no matter what I do I can't escape my anxiety? how the fuck do I live like this?".
I was so focused on talking about the depression, that I barely gave anxiety a footnote. But in reality depression and anxiety are a tagteam duo tagging up on me.
I said I wasn't a content machine, but somedays I wonder how much longer it'll be until the AI content gets more views than I do. That there might come a day where everyone is so burnt out that maybe art just goes away. And everyone's too busy consuming slop to even notice.
So there's my anxious thoughts for today! I'm not even going to format it like a blog post because this is what swirling anxiety looks like. Just all these fucking questions when I'm supposed to be focusing on NOT being anxious and taking care of myself. T_T
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