Hey! It's been a few months since the last update, so I thought I'd write something new!
I've been kinda struggling to finish projects recently, and trying to figure out what my thoughts are and what direction I want to go in.
I've talked about it with a few people, and am gradually figuring things out.
In this post I'll talk about some creative thoughts, some frustrations, and maybe some future ideas.
It's the reflective time of year again, and I'm getting older too, so hopefully something comes from it.
For those new to the blog, this is where I talk about personal topics, because writing helps me process things.
I will probably ramble a bit on this one as I have a bunch of disorganized thoughts atm!
I've been having a bit of art block lately.
It's not like I've made literally nothing. I've made some videos, I've made new emotes, I've drawn new art.
But I have a lot of half finished ideas, a lot of things that feel half baked. I'm not really happy enough with them to release them.
I've been listening to some podcasts and reading books, and I definitely feel like there's some good ideas there. But it hasn't quite translated to my output results yet.
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I think it comes back to the imaginary invisible pressure in my head.
I know it's bullshit, you know it's bullshit, but it still gets to me.
I'm an artist, of course that means sharing part of myself through my creation. That's what art fans like, right? Feeling like they get to know the artist?
And yet for a long time I was afraid of doing any of that. And still am to some degree.
I keep debating between the part of myself that wants to do things better, and the part of myself that wants to get things done.
I'm not so sure if that's a me problem, or if other artists also feel this way sometimes.
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When I look at that growing list of half finished projects, the growing mess, the growing to dos, I feel frustrated.
I feel like the 2nd half of the year has been going much faster than the 1st half, and I'm not entirely sure why.
At first I was confident making all these plans I wanted to get done. And as the months have gone by, I've realized I won't be hitting a lot of them.
And then I start feeling self-doubt, and start the self-blame again.
"See? You overcommitted! That other person on your feed would have gotten this done! This person on your feed has done 3 live shows, streams every day, and is living their life! What about you?"
I've been debating doing a video on this subject, because I see other artists going through it too.
"This AI slop got 100K views, but I can barely hit 100 views... God I must suck..."
Artists already compare themselves unfairly with other artists, and adding AI to it makes hitting the attention bullseye feel like an ever shrinking target.
And I don't even mean it in the way of attention manipulation. You can still make works you're proud of without relying on manipulation tactics.
But when everyone is aiming for monetization, everyone becomes a self taught marketer.
And I think viewers or readers or lurkers, can tell the difference between someone selling something they think is worthwhile, and someone selling something for only profit. And right now online, there's a lot of the latter. Marketers who market for their benefit, to the detriment of their viewers.
I am a creator and a viewer. So I get it. Ads annoy everyone lol
Right now I'm in the frustrating phase of creating. Before the project is done, before it's figured out, before the results are in.
This frustration will differ from person to person.
For some people the most frustrating phase is the ending.
For others it's the middle.
And for some, it's the beginning.
I think for me it tends to be more in the beginning, and sometimes the middle.
Occasionally I get some beginner hope, that little push to keep going.
But often the beginning is most frustrating to me, because it's when I know the least about a subject.
And it's like the blank canvas.
It can represent a fresh beginning, open posibilities, a promising future.
But it can also represent emptiness, a lack of will to start, abandoned projects, feeling stuck.
---
I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I really don't enjoy sucking at things. That's why I don't like posting when I start a new hobby, in case it falls through.
Maybe it's being raised by the Internet, but I can just hear those nagging voices in my head telling me how crappy it is.
And it's not that I think I am usually good either. I honestly don't.
It took me over 15 years to make a piece of art I didn't hate. Seriously!
With an immense passion and love for something, can also make the inner critic that more harsh when it doesn't meet standards.
So I do feel a bit weird sometimes when I say I "love" art, or I "enjoy" creating, because it's not 100% true.
While I've been drawn to the arts from a young age, art doesn't always love me back.
I've had to sacrifice a lot to give to my crafts.
Drawing instead of socializing, bullying and mocking, constant comparison, tying my self esteem to numbers and attention, wondering if I would have any worth without my art.
Not because it's good, but because it feels like it's a core part of me.
And sometimes that part feels like it towers leaps and bounds over my physical self.
Like I am building a shrine to the muse, creating a digital avatar and digital space, but what about myself? Regular, average, flesh and bone, me?
Do they matter too, even when they aren't creating?
Others would say "yes", however I don't know.
But I do know that if I go without creating too long, I get really depressed...
I just don't feel like myself without it. It's basically another limb really.
Sometimes I think that's why I get afraid of writing. I get afraid to admit these things.
I wonder if that makes me super cringy, or overdramatic, or stupid.
It feels like a contradiction to be drawn to the stage, but refusing to let people see my real face. Does that make any sense?
Why am I the kind of person, that refuses and shys away from direct contact? What part of that is unnerving to me, and why?
Maybe I'm afraid of being seen in that way. I feel like I have been for a long time. That I'll let down people's expectations if they see how mid I think I appear to be.
But I do think there will come a day in the future where I want to do more in person events.
Maybe someday perform on stage too. (Even if it's just daydreaming right now...)
I wonder if people will still accept me then too?
...It's like why am I so afraid of that, when I'm already my own worst critic?
Maybe I'm afraid if people start saying horrible things again, they will be right this time?
And I won't be able to come back from that crushing realization?
...
I don't get it! ...Why am I like this?
I feel like I should be grateful that I'm finally understanding what I want to do, instead of what I have to do.
That I should be grateful I have the chance to try at all, really.
It's probably from the bullying, man...
I used to be bullied a lot, and ever since then I still hear their voices in my head.
And whenever the self doubt starts flaring up again, I feel like I can't create properly.
And I don't know why.
Am I afraid of failure and success?
What does that even mean?!
It feels so stupid...
I feel like for a long time I've lived with a fear of the future.
Something about the clock ticking scares me.
Maybe it's because I feel like I'm forever behind in a marathon I'll never catch up in.
Doomed forever to last place, while seeing others zip by laps ahead.
And why does that bother me so much?
Because other people say so?
Or is it because of the uncertainity the future holds, and that's what I'm actually afraid of?
Or is it you only get so many shots before the game ends?
And as time passes, you get lower and lower in how many shots you have left.
I feel like no matter how much I think about it, I can't seem to find an answer I'm happy with.
Like my head is spinning around in circles, never reaching a true conclusion.
These past few weeks I've been feeling like I have all these topics I need to write about, but don't want to write about any of them.
I know I want to get them done, that writing will probably help me feel better about it. I still consider myself more of a writer than a speaker.
I've been thinking about trying scripted topics, and if I would enjoy that more. Maybe try writing some fictional stories too someday?
I've been trying to figure out how I can get the vibe of these posts to more people, without cringing at myself to death.
---
Here right now it's me and the page. Well, me and the keyboard.
But after I publish, it won't just be a conversation with myself anymore. It'll be public for everyone to see.
And in the same way credit cards can trick you into overspending, I think the vagueness of the Internet can convince you to overshare things you'd never say in person.
Because there's a gap between creating and others seeing it.
That's what I think at least.
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I still want to journal for my own sake, but I continue to have page fright. (stage fright but for the page aka writing)
That's the weird thing about being an artist.
You're supposed to create, share yourself, and let others rate that.
And yet that's also the thing I'm most afraid of.
...But maybe it's because I care about it, that it worries me?
---
I put on some dark lofi as background noise, told myself to write for 40 minutes, and I could stop if it wasn't going well.
...11-K words later, I guess I had more to say than I thought! (again)
I'm still trying to figure out how to compromise between my external people pleaser self, and my internal self reflecting self.
I think after I started blogging, I realized that I do need the space and time to think about these things.
I kinda want to write lyrics someday, and sing more too, but I might need to build more self-confidence first.
I used to have no self-confidence at all, but I am healing a bit. I am way more positive to myself than I used to be, even if it doesn't always seem that way.
I wish sometimes I was the person who could post 100 WIPs without losing all motivation and beating myself up for it.
Maybe I need more time to figure out what my personal style and pacing really is. What works best, for me and only me, specifically.
Because the guru stuff isn't doing it for me. Though I want to continue getting better at being consistent in the future!
I feel like sometimes bad moods sneak up on me.
Like I was fine a few days ago, why am I suddenly feeling like this? Did I do something wrong?
Maybe I should take it easy. But the important time of the year is coming up, and if I skip I'll have to wait another 365 days...
Why can't I just do things like everyone else?
Isn't it supposed to be easier now?
I feel like I keep pushing everything back. Again and again.
But I've already taken so many breaks.
...Would you be dissapointed?
Like I'm so sick of being the idea person. I'm so sick of having all these half bits of projects that never get done.
I feel like I can't relax. I feel like I'm constantly looking towards the next thing.
And you do that over and over, and you don't know if it makes a difference or not.
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like creating is a chore to me now.
Is it because of the algorithm? Is it the comparison?
I feel like the answer I keep going back to is the algorithm.
Some people love the algorithm, some people hate it.
Some obsess over it, and maybe some people out there exist who never think about it at all.
I was only part of the "old web" for a few years before social media took over. Depending on if you mean 80s/early 90s old, or late 90s/early 00s old.
I've mostly only heard stories of pre-forum Internet activities. Before most of the current major sites existed. So I can't go a ton into that era first hand.
---
Maybe it's that nostalgia hitting me again, or missing how things were different before.
But I really do miss the pre-algorithm internet sometimes.
I feel like between the grinding, the noise, and the slop, I can't help but miss the time before some of that existed.
I start thinking back to my own experiences back then, the ones I enjoyed at least.
Digital friends can sometimes be the most temporary, but they were always important to me.
I think that's part of what draws me to communicate digitally, something about the back and forth feels different than face to face conversation.
Maybe it's okay to acknowledge both the positives and the negatives of that.
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So often online it's black and white thinking, with me or against me, polarized thinking.
But when it comes down to it, I want people to enjoy being online. Maybe not 100% of the time, but when it's your hobby, then it should be enjoyable sometimes.
When I see how things have been lately, I feel like we've lost the plot a bit. That's part of what attracted me to Neocities in the first place in 2023.
What I miss about my personal piece of the Internet from back then, is some of the innocence and genuinity.
It was before monetization was fully figured out, before the ragebait was profitable, before people realized they could make others upset for their own benefit.
To me what felt innocent about it was the sense of shared joy and optimism. That we were excited to be here, excited to meet each other, excited to experience the future.
Back then we really felt like the Internet would connect the world, and change things for the better.
There was a time where Techno Optimism didn't seem completely foolish. Before enshittification was coined and hit everywhere. Before brainrot slop flooded everywhere.
I think maybe why I've been stuck in this art block, is I keep trying to approach things as a 2020s creator.
There are YouTube and social media gurus everywhere. And while I do think some of them are genuinely helpful, others seem very inflexible.
It feels like everyone's repeating the same 10 points, over and over again, and refusing to admit that different creators need different strategies for success.
YouTube and most modern social media shove the stats in your face. You want more numbers, bigger numbers, faster numbers.
And I think while it can help monitor progress in an easier to understand way, that there's more to life than numbers.
I don't want that to be my obsession anymore. I just feel like screaming "fuck your damn numbers! you can't measure human worth in numbers anymore!"
I think it's a battle a lot of modern 2020s creators are facing, as they feel like they need to do all these things, or they will be left behind.
But I think what others, and myself, need to remember, is at the end of the day, we are trying to connect to people!
Real life, human people.
And right now, those people are surrounded by lazy, cheap, cashgrabbing slop. Flooding the internet, everywhere.
It's virtual spam, virtual landfills, virtual slop and trash.
---
I'm not going to say everything is bad and no one should ever use it.
But rather, it's understandable to despair about this. It can be frustrating, and feel like a mockery of art and life itself.
That we will be forced to have bots surpass humans in numbers on the internet, and there's nothing we can do to change that.
But you know who else are also human people? Creators!
I've mentioned it in a previous post that we are experiencing AI creating content for other AI to please the AI and get clicks for the AI.
But there's still humans out there who want human made content, human made art!
We've changed it from "art", to "content", to "slop". I have noticed the gradual erosion of meaning through words used.
Devaluing what people do, so they can be replaced easier.
Taking art away from an artist sounds sad.
But "content" from a "content creator"? It's just content!
And "slop" from a "slop producer"? "It's slop, who cares if it's human made or not?!"
That seems to be the kind of sentiment that is being encouraged. Because valuing works and art is so old fashioned, right? /s
I think that's something I need to remind myself of when I'm feeling frustrated too. We've never had to face this level of overflowing "content" before.
(I feel like I've heard this somewhere before... I think it was a book about TV? I'm not sure. That how we refer to things changes how we view them, and how we treat them.)
So I think I need to stop thinking like a 2020s creator. Not entirely, but I need to rediscover that part of myself that was a 2000s creator.
That part of myself where I was making things for fun, talking passionately about the things I cared about, and shy-ly asking for online people to be my friends and create with me.
One of my favorite parts of being a digital creator is interacting with the fans and other creators.
For a long time I thought because I was socially awkward, that meant I hate socializing, and just wanted it over with.
But I think it's more I needed time to find people who felt the same way I did. Talking in the ways I find comfortable, in environments that are more forgiving.
People who find my flaws endearing, instead of as bothersome, or something to erase and replace.
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It's taken me over a decade to get to this point. It takes a lot of time and patience. And forgiveness.
I think maybe what I'm asking for, is permission from you, and myself, to throw out the rules for awhile. (by myself I mostly mean the inner critic part)
Trying to fit things on a tight schedule has been really stressing me out. I'm constantly worrying about it.
And when I got a comment from someone I follow and look up to, echoing the usual sentiments of "be more consistent, be faster, or else", it got to me. It made me feel shitty, that I can't measure up to that standard. That I wasn't just letting myself down, but everyone else down too. Again.
I'm not trying to be lazy, I don't want to let anybody down. I wish more than anyone that I could fit the template prescribed to everyone. But I can't do that right now. ;_;
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And I'm hoping, that if I can find my own way of doing things, then maybe I can find some peace again.
I don't want creating to feel like a chore, or a punishment, or like a race I can never catch up in.
I've felt like that for over a decade. Whenever I'm creating for social media, and being judged by an algorithm that always wants more and faster. Always hoping maybe the next spin would be the time I'd stop feeling that way.
But I don't think it's something that will be handed to me, I think it's something I have to choose for myself.
There's never going to be a day YouTube knocks on my door and says "You know what? You're right! You should upload *less* frequently! You've clearly got too much on your plate, and that's why you keep burning out. In fact, forget watch time entirely! Don't worry about CTR, engagement rates, SEO, FOMO, pacing, any of that! Just make whatever feels good to you! I can totally wait and won't judge you at all!".
Yeah that sounds totally delulu. Because that's not YouTube talking, that's me talking.
Maybe this post is me trying to come to terms with that. That the advice I'm being given from all directions, for over 15 years, it's been hurting me. A lot.
It's tough sometimes, when the advice you're given doesn't work for you. When you struggle to be like everyone else.
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Maybe it's time to admit my delusional daydreams are hurting me right now more than helping.
And maybe if I quit hoping that I can be pro ASAP, I can give myself permission to rest for awhile. Actually rest. A kind of rest I haven't had in a long time. I haven't really been on a vacation in years either.
Maybe that's why I've been feeling resistance so much. I'm over-pushing myself when I don't want to do it.
There's certain things I've been trying to reach, and the harder I try, the further away they seem.
Is it because it seems too desparate? Desire sensors?
There must be a reason it's slower for me. Is it something I'm doing wrong? Is there a lesson to be found here? Why is it so different for me?
If I think about it too hard, I'll start blaming myself again. There must be a reason things are this way. I just can't see it yet.
I feel like the way I am right now, I can't handle that kind of pressure. The pressure to always be doing more, doing it faster, doing it 200% every time.
I used to think it'd get easier. That one day I'd magically feel like everything was easier, and I could breath a sigh of relief.
The tension would melt away, the air would feel lighter, something.
But that anxiety and self-doubt are still hovering over my shoulder.
And I can't help but wonder, will I always be this way?
Is there a solution to being like this?
I honestly don't know.
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...I miss doing things for fun.
Just for fun!
No expectations, no weight, no pressure.
The only schedule being when I wanted to do something.
I want that back again, soon.
I'm sorry I can't meet expectations. Those expectations aren't working for me anymore.
I think after I post this, I'll take some time to think about how I'm going to do this.
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But I want you to know these are my issues. It's nobody's fault, and I still care a lot.
I am grateful and happy for all the love and support everyone has given me.
I want to figure out my path forward, and make you all proud. Thank you for waiting for me while I figure this out.
Thanks for reading!
I really needed to get this off my chest. I hope some of that is helpful.
Sometimes it's hard to admit when things aren't going the way they're supposed to be going. The way you expected, the expectations you've forced upon yourself.
The newsletter is still a WIP, and I am hoping to do an end of the year wrap up in about a month or so!
I also make videos and stream on YouTube if you're interested. Also a Discord server if you want to yap with other creative people sometime!
If you'd like to reply to this I have a comment box and a contact email.
If you'd like to support what I do, I have a Ko-fi.