Hello again!
I've been thinking recently about some things, and a lot of it comes back to the fear of being seen.
There is this debate between the desire to be seen and the desire to hide.
I felt like this video went into it somewhat, and got the question floating around in my brain.
Do I really want to be seen, or do I want to continue to hide?
Let's talk about it.
There exists a paradox between two sides inside me, and I'm sure many other creators struggle with this as well.
You want to be seen, because being seen is how you connect with others. People can't see your creations if you never share them.
But you also want to hide, because being seen also eventually comes with feedback. And that can lead to negative feedback, out of context clips, threats, and more.
While some people can hide behind anonymity, artists can have a harder time doing so. It's not impossible, there are some people in Japan who nobody knows who they are or what they look like. But more depending on the kind of art, it acts like a fingerprint. And the more art you make, the more people recognize your style. Even if you try to not have a style.
If anything, the more I tried to be anonymous, the more I saw how futile that attempt was with closeness and time. Be around someone long enough, for years and years, and your quirks will eventually show. Those quirks will reveal a pattern, and with enough patterns, you will uncover a web of leads, leading to identity.
For every faceless creator, there is also a desire to unmask the faceless to reveal their face.
So I create the way I do without my face, and I'm not unaware of this factor. But moreso I'm aware and doing it anyways. I imagine that day will come for me one day down the road when I will unmask, but that doesn't change my reasons for creating with a virtual identity.
Some of that is because of fear. That's why I'm writing this post after all. In hopes of if I explain it, I can understand it better.
But that's not my only reason. I think we generally tend to see faceless people in a negative light. That the only reason someone would want to hide is bad intentions.
I've spent a very long time online. So I'm aware of various ways and frequency which people abuse anonymity.
However, I think that there are some people who do it for more neutral reasons.
Sometimes people don't like how they look. Sometimes they are shy. Sometimes they want their work to shine more than their IRL identity.
I think that having a name, a brand, a face, whichever, comes with a certain weight and responsiblity. And not everyone is ready for that kind of pressure.
When I was younger I couldn't understand why someone who blew up online would suddenly reject that.
Lash out at people, burn down all their work, attempt to vanish and maybe start over from scratch.
If not leaving the internet forever, the only thing left of them being people asking: "where did they go?"
But the longer I spent online, the more I understood that desire to start over again.
I've done so many times myself. Sometimes I am ashamed about it. If only I had been consistent, if only I had faith, if only I could commit...
And I think part of why is when people have a digital footprint, they don't want to be chained to their younger self forever.
People grow and change, but the internet never forgets and never forgives. Or so they say.
Maybe it's my own tastes, but having one identity feels limiting to me. Like you are put in a box and a niche, and must fufill that forever. At least on social media.
Part of why I've been hesitating to write this post, is because it is vulnerable to admit you worry about these things.
Of course you understand why the big names would be worried about fame.
But why would small creators be afraid of being seen? Don't most people online want to be seen by default?
Yes and no.
Because to me being seen is often feeling like "okay I might as well just paint a target on my head and tell everyone 'aim here!'".
To expect the worst, to expect things to go wrong, to prepare in advance for the shitstorm that doesn't exist yet.
But I think by overcorrecting and fearing doomsday in advance, I did myself and others a disservice. Why?
Because I was so tightly hiding in my shell, that I was giving a half-hearted effort to my creative work for years. (2015-2020-ish)
So I could say "See? It's not my fault. Things just didn't work out. Oh well.". But knowing inside that the real problem wasn't a lack of luck, but was my deep down fear of being seen. That I was self destructing so I wouldn't have to face my fears before I felt "ready".
(Sorry if I repeat myself a bit, but it's because I think many people are dealing with this problem right now too.)
Going viral makes me think of waves. It can be fun to be in a wave pool and feel the water going up and down.
But getting hit by a big wave? It's not fun if it catches you off guard. You were used to the ebb and flow of the calm water, and now you're trying not to drown by the force.
I think going viral is like that, because we think we want it. Think we need it. Until it hits and we realize how much prep it really takes.
When you post on social media, you never know who it is going to reach.
It could be 10 hardcore fans, 1,000 regular viewers, or millions of people who have no idea who you are and what you usually do.
It reminds me of the dogpiles you see online. It starts with 1 video or 1 tweet, and then turns into 10,000 people dunking on what they think.
Just go into any comment section on a popular post on any platform. Most of the comments will be insults, clowning on OP, sarcastic jokes, bullying, etc.
It was one thing back in the day where you went into a specific place where you knew the unruly types lurked. You knew what you were getting when you walked in the door.
But I think the issue with modern social media, and any site that has user generated content regardless of label, is everything is up for grabs with no warning. Regardless of location.
Even if you haven't been bitten yet, you know there's rabid dogs on the loose in your area. So I think that changes the nature of sharing as well.
When the internet was smaller, there was less incentive to dunk on people. The most you'd get out of it is some pats on the back for the day. But now? People get attention and money for doing it. And if you thought it was bad before, oh boy. I don't even want to get into it, you've seen it before.
That's why sometimes I want to create for the fun of it again. No pressure, no numbers, just trying to reclaim that innocence of the earlier days online. I still remember those years of being a teenage nobody, and creating only for passion and joy. Where the focus was on what I wanted to create, and not "what will please the algorithm in this micro trend hyper niche this week?" These days people start with the money first, content second. But back then, getting paid was rare, and making a career? A mere pipedream.
When I started putting a consistent name on all this, even if it was only a username, I started feeling the internal pressure again.
"What if someone sees this? What if someone doesn't like this? What if nobody sees this? What if someone decides they hate me now?"
And it happened. I got my first anonymous hate mail.
When it first happened I was terrified. It brought back old memories of the events I was trying to prevent by hiding. "What if it gets worse? What do I do?"
The first few months I didn't tell anyone in public about it. I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.
But looking back, that is when I started closing up again. I started thinking "no this isn't good. this is bad. I shouldn't write this. delete that. no."
And it might sound silly, but it got to me. I was having fun and expressing myself on a nostalgia trip, and someone I never knew took that as a personal insult. And I hadn't spoken one word to them on an individual level ever.
I thought "See? This is what happens when you reveal yourself! You knew this was going to happen! You shouldn't have done this!".
And I was in a bind. As an artist, I want to share what I create. I want to be able to express myself. I want to connect with my fans and readers.
I could get if I had posted a heated rant, or wrote about something critical, but I couldn't pin down what it was. I didn't know what was wrong.
I can't really decide if I'm fragile or stubborn. Maybe it's a bit of both?
But I bring this incident up, because I think that negativity and hatred changes what we feel comfortable sharing.
Not just for me, but I've seen it happen to others as well. One day you're chatting like friends, then another day someone does something vile, and then that space becomes tarnished.
With the internet being as hypercritical as it is currently, more people are afraid of sharing. More people are afraid of being the butt of the joke, of doing something wrong, of saying something that someone online doesn't like.
Now what?
So the other side of the coin is: there is also a comfort that comes with being seen.
That somebody out there gets you, that you're not alone, that we can influence each other positively.
Not to buy things, but to continue on when things feel hopeless.
What I was denying myself in fear was the opportunity to be proven wrong.
Yes the brain will harp on the negative in the hopes of self protection, but we must also acknowledge there are positives.
There are haters, and fans. There are trolls, and mods. There are ragebaiters, and hopegivers. (sorry if that sounds weird! lol)
I think what changed my mind then and why I decided to commit, and re-commit, is because I was tired of hiding.
I was tired of lurking, of tiptoeing, of not living my own life.
I was in a cage of my own making.
And the only way to change that was to come out of my shell again, and risk being seen. Risk being hated. Risk being misunderstood.
And now I'm at another step. I must re-commit to being seen, to not start over from nothing when things get tough.
Because no matter how many times you start over, you cannot erase your flaws and mistakes. They will always come out eventually.
If the only way to avoid hate is to say nothing and not exist, why bother existing at that point? You're already chaining yourself to your terrible fate. (please don't take this line too seriously, there is still hope!)
It's easy to do nothing, it's easy to ignore, it's easy to give up. The only thing asked is do nothing. Stay still. Be an unseen ghost.
I'm not doing this because it is the easiest choice, but because it's hard. Because it's risky. But also because it means a lot to me. Because it leads to growth and opportunities I couldn't reach from my comfort zone.
I want to make my own memories with my own words and style, not numbingly and envyingly and longingly watch others doing it from my screens.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly convey it into words. But what I do know is that it helps me get this off my chest. And I need that.
The positive comments, the words of support, the people being there, and that being aimed towards me. It makes me feel appreciated in a way I haven't felt before. Like I matter to somebody now.
It's easy to focus on things going wrong. I do it all the time.
But it's not "realistic" in the way I thought when I was younger. Being real involves the bad and the good. The ups and the downs.
Going bad, bad, bad, down, down, down, is not seeing the full picture.
The bad might be louder, it might want to drown out the rest, but you have to remember the good is there too.
What bothers me about excessive criticism, dogpiling, waves of hate, is it tears down. People don't learn to improve from tear downs, they learn to fear the hate instead.
And no I don't mean "constructive criticism". You can be constructive to someone's work and give feedback in a decent way.
I'm talking about the kind where it's only about tearing down the person. "This person sucks, everything they do is shit, they should quit forever, so crappy' etc.
I don't expect that to change any time soon. Not at all.
But more I want people to understand the value of being vulnerable. Of committing to something that might not work out. To try even when it feels pointless.
It's okay to try and fail. It's okay to make messy work or have off days.
And I think my next step is learning how to improve my mindset. Not only for others, but for myself as well.
I understand many people see blind optimism as naiive. So maybe this is more "informed but semi hopeful sometimes positive thinging"? Sorry if that's not the right term for it.
I'm not going to quit venting entirely. However I think there is a time and place, and maybe it's not open bleeding heart messy as I used to be. But I try to be honest and earnest when I can.
Even now I still hear that voice saying "this isn't good enough! not going to make it! this is cringe! shut up!". I acknowledge that voice is there.
But I'm going to do this the way I want to do it. I think that's fair.
It would be very ironic if this post does get seen! But if it doesn't, that's okay too. Because writing helps me see myself more clearly, and that also has value.
Thanks for reading!
Originally when I started blogging, it was to get the thoughts out of my head.
Before I started writing blog posts, I'd repeat the same topics over and over in my head. I'd repeat them to people I chatted with.
So I thought "maybe if I start writing them down in a list, it'll help ease that repetition. that I can point back to having written about it already".
And it did help. I felt myself ruminating less, and repeating myself less.
I realized that I can write for myself, and it doesn't need to be popular to matter.
In fact, outside of writing specific platforms, most places don't want you to write. They think writing is fluff. They want you to make short videos or rambling videos.
I enjoy making videos and verbally yapping too. But there's something about writing in particular that is important to me.
I've actually been blogging more than I thought I would originally. I'm not really the type to meet a quota, but do it when I want to.
I'm not sure how long I'll keep writing for, but I appreciate those who enjoy what I create.
(Also sorry if my writing is amateur-ish. I know I overuse some words, and my writing can be a bit all over the place. I'm a bit rusty and probably need to refresh on some of the writing fundamentals eventually)
If you'd like to reply to this I have a comment box and a contact email.
If you'd like to support what I do, I have a Ko-fi.