Hey I'm Sen! I'm a ghost artist VTuber. Sometimes I blog too!
Lately I've been thinking about what it means to create and why I'm trying to do new things.
Whenever I try to think of what an online creative community means to me, I think of 2000s DeviantArt.
There were various public groups you could join. In these groups you could share galleries of art on the topic or chat with other members.
You could gift people llamas. I don't think they were worth real money, it was more of a silly vanity metric.
There was a culture of art trades and art requests too.
You could write in a journal, give updates, change status.
In the post-social media era you would need maybe like 4 different sites to do all those things? And even then not all of it would be there.
Maybe it's my own nostalgia goggles, but I miss that time. While there were certainly downsides, I think a lot of people already know about them.
Strange requests, weird fetishes, sus things, etc.
But as an amateur artist back then, it had pretty much everything I wanted.
Sometimes I regret not being more active on it before the various purges of users and questionable choices it had. (Maybe eventually I'll give it another go idk...)
Over and over I keep hearing artists say "We want a website for US again! The algorithm is killing us. The feeds force us to spend more time marketing and talking about art than actually creating art! But we have to be here! It's the only way to reach a general audience!"
And I get it. I'm playing the same game too.
But there's this part of me that aches for DA and old school style forums still. To me Twitter, FaceBook, Instagram, TikTok and Reddit don't fully replace what was special about them.
Even if this place was "only" for artists, I don't think that's always a bad thing. I think that part of what we are missing isn't more sales, but more connection. Connection to other artists, other creators, other fans, who are going through the same highs and lows we are.
For most of my art journey so far, it's been pretty lonely. I've had a few friends who made art, but I'm not exactly in the middle of an artist area. I wasn't from a family of artists. To me art has often been sitting in an empty room, and the only thing is me and the page. Or me and the screen.
But joining an artist Discord, doing my 1st group zine entry, trying to reach out to other artists more. I can't help but feel "We need a public place again! Not locked behind wall gardens or expensive monthly paywalls! Something many people can join, but only those who want to be there!".
I think this is why Art Fight exploded last year (2024). It gave an outlet for people craving this sense of creating with other artists. (even if it has "fight" in the name lol)
I didn't join last year. By the time I heard about it, it was already midway through so...
But I want to try it this year. I wish I had heard about it sooner so I could have tried the other years and had fun!
And I hope someday artists find a digital social network that is accessible again.
(Also sorry if I'm out of the loop I'm only going off of the places I know of currently)
And this idea got me thinking again, how the internet has gradually shifted from collabs to competition.
On old YouTube you'd often see groups of YouTubers in the same network, or even the same channel in some cases. This allowed them to put out consistent content without as frequent burnout. As far as I can tell anyways.
On forums you were often rewarded for sticking with a community long term by getting badges, special features, and perks.
Since a lot of people were doing it as a hobby, they were eager to collab with others into the same passions.
But I think when lots of money started to get involved, it gradually started going away.
Now that other guy wasn't a friend, but a foe. *There's only so many eyeballs, and they could be stealing yours!* /s
Seeing a certain incident recently reminded me of this. That someone decided to use "business" as a reason to hurt their best friends and community. I understand that sometimes you have to make hard descisions, but this was unneeded backstabbing and cruelty.
Seeing the victims sobbing about how much it hurt them to be betrayed by someone they trusted deeply. I didn't know them well, but still, it got to me. That these are not just entertainers, but people. It may seem like fun and games, but there will always be those who think they must squash others to advance.
However, I'm not saying social media invented this. Ragebait and internet drama isn't a new thing either, just more frequent as more people go online over time.
To me this is what happens when you value engagement above all else. Peak "engagement" is someone locked in a room watching screens all day. They are engaged, but not happy. Not living. They are completely disconnected from themselves and everyone around them. And I say that because I was that person, and still am sometimes.
I don't want me, or fans, or anyone to feel like that. Like they are someone's addicted labrat, with no hopes or dreams.
Yes, rage sells.
Addictive formats addict people.
More time stolen means more ads sold.
But I refuse to accept that this is the only option. I don't agree with that.
Why? Because it was done before. It can be done again. Maybe not in the exact 2005 way, but I want to believe it's possible.
So I will keep searching for ways to collab that work for me, and encourage others to do the same.
For ways to connect with people that aren't as addicting or isolating.
I've been trying out streaming with a mic the past year-ish.
I've been relistening to this audiobook about running and writing.
While I am not a novelist, I do write sometimes. I like writing as it helps get the thoughts out of my head.
But the reason I bring it up, is I think maybe streaming and creating in general is similar.
When I walk for awhile, it's easier to keep walking. But if I stop walking, it's hard to stop not walking. Excuses and delays happen.
What is the difference between a me who walks every day and a me who doesn't? Consistency and inertia.
It's easy to create when the ideas are buzzing. It's easy to stream when chat is buzzing.
But to stare at that blank page, to stare at that blank chat. That's hard.
Whenever I go on break for a few weeks "streamer me" gradually disappears.
It's like I'm suddenly reset to before I started streaming, and I gradually adjust to not doing it.
It's puzzling to me as it's something I'm not sure I've experienced before.
If I don't draw for a few weeks, I don't stop being an artist. I might need more time to get back into the groove, but it's there.
I've been slacking on my Japanese studies for years, but I don't magically forget how to read Hiragana.
So why is it different for streaming then?
Why can I open this notepad software, and then start typing for 1.5 hours straight? But then struggle to stream for 30 minutes? What gives?
And I think the answer I've come to is: I lack the streamer muscles.
I'm still somewhat new to streaming, so I lack the persistence and stamina the pros have.
I realize whenever I start something new, it's much easier to watch than create. I'm amazed at how big the gap betweening watching and doing is.
Of course it is! Duh! ...But what I mean is it's often harder than it looks.
On paper all you have to do when streaming is open a program, hit go live, and do your thing!
...But if you want people to show up, and stick around, you have to do more work than that.
You need to be active, you need to be entertaining, you need to compete with every other app and device.
And because my streamer muscles are weak, I'm not used to that effort.
I see that 8 hour streams are something you work up to over time. Subathons are indeed a massive effort as well in a similar way to a marathon is.
I'm not saying it's the hardest thing ever, but more I think I'm starting to get what it's like on the other side of the screen.
Another reason is because most of my hobbies only rely on me.
If I don't study, I suffer. If I don't exercise, I suffer. If I don't create, I suffer.
But if I stream, and I don't do a good job? Other people suffer.
Maybe slight boredom, or some mild sadness, but still.
When you're in a place by yourself and no one else is there, you feel it. In the same way you'd feel if you walked on stage to give a speech to an empty crowd.
I'm still struggling to face that emptiness.
How do I be entertaining by myself? Not once or twice, but week after week?
That's something I'm still figuring out.
I'm working on something right now that is me opening up a bit in a way I haven't done before.
I'm pretty nervous about it, but I feel like I need to do it.
I've been gradually realizing that maybe I have a different style, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing.
Maybe I'm not the kind of person that thrives on camera, but I'm trying in my own way.
I have my strengths and my weaknesses.
I'm still figuring out what my style is and what routine and systems work for me.
All the things that have been going on lately have been reminding me to remember what matters.
People, loved ones, community.
The buzzing of addictions will feel fun for a bit, but it's temporary.
Numbers won't hold you as you cry or comfort you when you're feeling down.
AI can try to, but the words ring hollow without a soul to speak them.
That I'd rather try and fail, than fail to try.
I've failed to try too many times in my life. Because it was safer, because it was easier. Less risky.
But not trying leads to regret. Maybe not this week, or this month, but years down the road.
So I am trying to do more things and new things so I can live with less regrets.
You never know what day will be your last.
Last time seeing a friend, last time hugging that loved one, last time sharing time together.
I may be introverted and socially awkward, but I continue to try anyways. Because I understand how painful it is to live without it.
I'm probably super late to it, but I'm giving SubStack a try! (link here)
Why?
Originally I had wanted to do an update newsletter via email. But I kept putting it off, and it didn't happen. Because I couldn't find a service that did what I wanted without a subscription paywall or user limit.
I wanted an easy to sign up way for people to stay in touch, without algorithms or random feeds.
I find that it's easier for people to sign up for an email newsletter than set up RSS or manually follow the page.
With SubStack, there's the email option. The app option. Or the desktop website as well. I like having that variety.
And I keep getting these emails for SubStack accounts I follow, and one day I'm like "okay maybe many VTubers don't usually use this, but I want to try it!". (I'm not super deep into the site so maybe I'm wrong)
...So is the blog going to change? Not really.
My current plan is to put update posts there, and maybe occasionally put a blog post there too.
Uh I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well!
tl;dr blog will be as usual, this is an optional experiment for now!
Thanks for reading! See you next time!
If you'd like to reply to this I have a comment box and a contact email.
If you'd like to support what I do, I have a Ko-fi.