Hey Soullers and lurkers!
It's been 2 years since I opened my personal website! And about 1.5 years since I started YouTube! (specifically my @SenFlyer channel)
Am I copying the format from last year? Yes. Does it matter? Not really. lol
How have things been lately? Hmm... If I'm being real, I've been feeling kinda anxious and stressed out. I feel like time has been slipping away from me, and I've fallen behind on being consistent. It's not really any one specific event, but more a vibe.
I've lost loved ones this year, people I know have lost loved ones as well. There's been some hard times and struggles, and a lot of worry about the future.
But there have also been postitive things that have happened this year too. I joined my 1st zine, I opened a new public Discord server for the 1st time, I made progress in my art journey. I had some holiday fun with my friends and loved ones. I met a lot of new fans and friends, who appreciate what I do and the things we enjoy doing.
There were some long awaited sequels this year, as well as some new media that blew up bigger than anyone thought possible before. So there's both postiive and negatives that happened I think.
(No YouTube Rewind out when writing this, not sure when it'll drop yet.)
Last year for these posts, I liked deciding on a word at the end of the year, instead of at the beginning of the year.
I think it's because you go into the new year with all these hopes and dreams and positive intentions, but then reality slaps you in the face. So for me choosing in hindsight feels more honest and more real. What actually happened, instead of what I wanted it to be.
For 2025 I'd say that word was [Perseverance].
Webster defines this as "the continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition".
So why perseverance?
Last year (2024) I started as impatient, desperately wanting a win. I was on the verge of giving up, and I needed that win to tell me to not quit. After I got that win, I felt like I could continue going on. There was a sense of a relief that I wasn't as mistaken as I originally thought I was. I was able to prove to myself that I can be consistent, I can complete projects, it is possible compared to the past.
I went into the new year with that renewed energy, and decided to aim higher than before. It's a bit painful to admit, but I think I got slightly too overconfident... It didn't get to my head or anything crazy, but my idea of the potential of a new year, and what actually happened, was very different.
That's because my energy when in a good mood and my energy when in a bad mood is completely different. So if I make too many plans when in a good mood, I won't be able to complete them when bad mood-me is in charge of things. (at least so far in my existence) I'm not sure if it's like that for other people, but I think admitting that is a step towards more realistic goal setting.
---
If I had to describe what is different, I think the source of stress and self-doubt has changed.
Before it was feeling unseen, wondering if the idea of backing myself was a mistake, and internal stress.
Now I feel more seen and supported. And the stress is more from external factors.
I won't go super into it, as it's a lot of personal and private stuff going on.
---
...Another part is doomscrolling. I did a lot of that this year! smh lol
It's difficult to focus when you feel like things are not going well.
So I've had to make new boundaries around that bad habit. I'll talk more about it later. But basically, you need to have self-control to stop, and self-care to enforce it.
Because if you let it, that rabbit hole will never end. Never ever. There is NO bottom, NO last page. Kinda like the endless hole in The Stanley Parable 2. After a certain point, obsessing over it only hurts yourself. My stressing and worrying didn't change what happened. You'd think studying Stoicism would help with that, but... Sometimes returning to a practice can be challenging!
---
Anyways getting back to Perseverance.
The reason why I needed to perserve, is there was a lot that went wrong this year. I failed some goals, missed some benchmarks. I relapsed and regressed at times, and often beat myself up while doing so.
When I'm feeling down, I can fall back into old bad habits and self-doubt.
Self-doubt is a tough one, because it feels like it's constantly whispering over your shoulder.
And so on!
I think I needed to re-adjust my goals, my direction, and my mindset.
I often get pushed into boxes and labels that don't work for me.
Sometimes a lot of this pressure is entirely internal. No one is nagging me and harassing me more than myself...
I get these ideas in my head of how things should be, how things are supposed to go.
...And then learn the hard way why it's not true! lol
But despite the lows and misses this year, I do think I was able to perserve in the end. Maybe not in the ideal way, but whatever way this is.
I think sometimes you need to trip over yourself first, so you can learn how to pick yourself back up, and practice recovering. Think of it like falling off a bike. Nobody wants to fall! Falling can be dangerous sometimes. But picking ourselves back up is part of how we learn to maintain that movement in the future.
For those who don't know already, part of why I've been struggling to be consistent and motivated for a long time was due to depression. (and other mental health issues)
I've lived with depression for decades, and it's stolen a lot of time from my life. You can hear more about it in this video I made earlier this year. I'd say I'm both good and bad at handling it. Good in the sense that, well, I'm still here and talking about it. Bad in the sense that, well, it's not magically cured or gone away.
I've existed in a state of existential depression for awhile. Before LLMs and AI was available to the public even.
Why?
I'm not really sure if it's my personality, or a result of the things that have happened in the past. (nature vs nuture) ...Maybe a bit of both?
---
I think it's because centuries ago, decades ago, artists could exist as just artists.
You chose a craft, you worked at that craft, you shared that craft, and that was it.
What I mean is artists could be allowed to be weird, or awkward, or unusual, or a hermit. Because their main focus was their art, not themselves. But in a post-social media age, things changed. Now "just" making art wasn't enough. You needed to find your brand ("art style"), market yourself, become an idol or face for the camera, and a whole lot of "not making art" tasks.
I'm not saying that it never existed before at all. There was hired artists, art side gigs, convention circuits, etc.
But I think there's a difference between "look at my art" and "look at me making my art".
Kind of like how the internet shifted from "this is information", to "this is MY information", to "this is ME and MY life". As we moved away from read only informative sites, towards user generated content, and then people becoming brands.
However, there are also some people in this world, that don't want to be seen as themselves. But feel like they are forced to, so they can play the game, and grow their audience. You need to be both relatable and aspirational.
---
For a long time I existed in that "old fashioned" mindset. Art is the focus, not me.
I'd post art, run away, and not give any context to it.
I didn't want people to see me. I wanted them to see my art.
In a way you could say the page was a mask I hid behind. Holding my sketchbook up over my face, "look at this! not at me!".
So there was this conflict and internal debate where, I didn't want to be seen as myself. But being seen as yourself is how you grow in the social media age.
"...Why is it such a big deal anyways? Who cares if you have to show yourself off a little?"
Because it goes against how I was raised to be. Being silent meant being safe. The noisy wheel gets the grease, the nail that sticks out gets hammered down. Back then I felt like being seen as myself was no different than bragging "look at how cool I am!". And I didn't feel that way at all.
---
So for awhile I was stumped on what I should do.
I didn't want to show my face, I didn't want to be heard with my outloud voice, I didn't want to share my thoughts through videos. A lot of internal work needed to be done. If you want to do this, then you must accept the conditions that come with it.
Around that point is when I rediscovered VTubers in 2020. At first it was as a fan to pass the time and cheer up a little. But the deeper I got into it, a seed was planted.
And eventually I realized "this is it! this is what I want to do! this is what I've been waiting for, the thing that suits me!".
I could go on trying to find reasons or excuses why it was at this point things changed. But you get the idea.
This was the compromise I found. I can share myself, and hide behind my art, at the same time. (At least for now.)
I've been thinking maybe someday I will do a face reveal, and sometimes show my face in public. Not because it's what is natural for me, but because I think there are some things that can only be conveyed through body expressions. Eyes are the window to the soul after all.
...aaaaa it's so embarassing!
I've made progress compared to before, but I still have a long way to go! lol But I hope as I keep practicing, and gathering more courage, I can get better at expressing myself, in addition to creating works.
Thank you for sticking with me through the bumps, and twists, and turns.
I think deep down part of this internal struggle comes from my strengths and weaknesses.
Knowing there is a certain energy that brings both great joy, and great stress. Part of my fears and worries comes from seeing a storm in the future, that I know will be there someday. But I need to remind myself that there's a reason people fight through those stormy waters. And that's because there's also the warmth and strength that comes from facing your inner demons and connecting with others.
I have this feeling in my gut, in my subconcious, that someday I will be in a different place than I am right now. There's no guarantee it will happen, but it is one of the possibilities. That someday I will leave my cave, into a world that's bigger than shadows on the wall.
I won't be watching others stand on stage from the sidelines, but standing there myself, with both the boos and the cheers.
And part of me is terrified of that!
...But another part of me knows that there will be joys and dreams I can't imagine right now.
As a socially awkward former-hikki-NEET introvert, it's completely different than the life I've lived thus far. My world has been pretty small and unseen. Sometimes I feel a bit afraid to hope for something more... But I'll keep going, regardless of what awaits.
Re-reading my post last year, I feel like so much has changed, but also not changed at the same time.
I'm often stumbling over the same mistakes over and over again. The difference is now there are others waiting for me to pick myself back up again.
I believe that there are certain problems that may take a lifetime to understand, if we ever figure it out at all. I'm not sure if that would be considered as a weakness, or if that's simply part of being human. You can't win every battle. But I'm still trying my hardest to figure things out, and I keep searching for what path and method will move me forwards.
This year didn't go how I originally planned, but I do think it was important in it's own way. I think that people tend to underestimate the impact quiet and underground growth can have. Because it's not something you can measure on a chart.
One of those things I need to remember, is that unlike AI, I'm not a machine. I've said it before, but it's something I need to remind myself of again and again.
I like to pretend that if I don't acknowledge the issues I'm facing, then maybe they'll impact me less. And then am surprised when those things suddenly impact me, and I remember "ah right. I'm not AI. I need to adjust for these things".
Because I'm human, I need to prepare emotionally. And mentally. And do self-care. ...And try to filter out that annoying noise that is distracting me while I'm trying to write!
It's weird. I wouldn't want to be an AI. But more I'm expressing some of the frustrations and limitations that come from being human! lol
Like I said last year, having fans and parasocial connections is strange. But I don't dislike it. In fact, I do enjoy it sometimes. It's something I wanted and daydreamed about for a long time, but nothing super specific.
It's only more recently I began thinking things like "oh I think my fans would enjoy this!" or "this would be a cool thing to do with my fans!". It's like I'm opening up my world a little, and letting others walk along with me.
---
I've talked a bit about it before, but I wasn't really socially accepted growing up. I often felt excluded, and like I couldn't fit in.
But then I went online, and this other side of myself started coming out. Not all of it was good, as I was young and foolish. But it's where I found my voice. So it's important to me.
There was a few times the past decade, where I debated if I should reconsider being a digital creator. I never really had the chance to try succeeding through real life before. But the more I thought about it, I felt like I couldn't give it all up. There's some things I can only convey through the separation of the screen.
And I kept hearing all these YouTubers and streamers talking about how creating online has changed their lives forever. How it changed my life too. I've seen the videos of introverted people talking about how creating online gave them a voice they couldn't have before. And again, I feel the same way. For some reason my written voice and outloud voice are very different. I feel like there are some things I can only say through writing.
I want to keep writing, and improving, and figuring out how I can bridge that gap a little. I want to practice writing scripts, and reading scripts in a natural way. Someday I would like to write fiction, and song lyrics, and all these different ways of expressing things I haven't been able to before.
And despite my social awkwardness, and difficulties at times, I want to do it together beside my community, my peers, and people I admire.
---
Sometimes I worry that maybe I'm not doing this the right way at all...
But I think from this point onwards, I need to do things my own way!
Throwing out the labels, the guru advice, the boxes, the chains, the misguided expectations, all of it!
Because I think when I do the things I care about, that's when I shine the most. And that's more motivating than chasing trends or numbers could be.
That's not to say I'll never follow those things ever again, but I want to make sure it's genuine.
I didn't start blogging because someone told me I should do it, but because I wanted to do it.
And I continue to be glad doing so, because it's helped me out a lot!
(I still want to do a newsletter at some point too. lol)
---
I think sometimes as a viewer and as a creator, it's possible to overlook support. But I see how far the people I admire came. Not only because of hard work, or luck, but also because they had people supporting them and cheering them on.
I used to feel like I needed to do everything alone, all the time. (So emo! lol)
But seriously, thank you! Having people care about me and what I make, it means so much to me. I'm still learning how to express that. 💜
I used to think of the future as a scary thing. And sometimes I still do. I have so much anxiety all the time! orz But I've been working hard in my own way, and bit by bit, I'm gathering courage.
Because it takes a lot of courage to be open like this. When the world is a stage, that also means there's critics at every turn. And I need even more courage for the steps ahead. And guts. And maybe even some nerve! lol
I don't really 100% believe in myself. But I do more than before. And that's thanks to the people who believed in me, even when I couldn't for myself.
I'm showing myself off more than in the past, and doing more things I've never done before.
---
Would you believe there was a time I could barely get on a voice call without shaking?
That I used to be a no mic streamer?
That just the thought of standing in front of people, let alone talking, let alone singing, it left me paralyzed.
But I learned there was other people who felt that way, and I felt less alone. That even the people I look up to, they are scared and doubt themselves all the time. It's kinda a relief, because sometimes they give off the vibe that they never worry! But everyone worries differently.
---
When I talk like this, I think that these are things I should have done decades ago. But I have my scars, and my injuries, so my pace is different than others.
I will keep taking things one step at a time. Step by step, bit by bit.
I'm checking out some new books, and hoping to apply what I learn going forward.
I'll keep trying my best. (ganbaru!) Thank you for waiting for me.
Maybe someday I'll graduate from self-hate? Maybe?
About this time last year, I was worried about if I would get to work for a zine or not. It was a big deal, and I was worried and excited! But I worked hard, and I made something I was proud of. And now I have a time capsule to hold onto as well.
It made me think that maybe I should get out of my comfort zone sometimes, and work more together with other people. I want to keep doing that.
I have slowed down on the website, but I continue to come back here. Someday I want to improve at HTML and CSS and make something better. There's something about writing for the blog that gets me in a different headspace, in a way that I personally enjoy.
And maybe being a bit selfish, and having this space for myself, is exactly what I needed. That maybe it's okay to be selfish sometimes, if it's not hurting anybody, and helps you feel better. Still learning that lesson!
As usual if you enjoyed this post, or my creative work, I have a tip jar! Thanks to the support I've been able to keep doing what I love to do.
---
I decided to continue my digital minimalism journey, and went back to using a laptop. I think it was the right call, as I can type a lot faster on a physical keyboard.
I don't think I'll completely ditch my smartphone, as there are some important apps on it I need to keep. But I would like to eventually give using a dumbphone another go. And maybe collecting CDs and physical media again too.
I'm also trying a new app blocker! I find pausing works better for me than strict 24/7 blocking. That way I can schedule my time in better.
I've been putting some space between me and social media, without quitting it completely. I usually check Twitter on the laptop now, and I don't miss scrolling it on my phone.
Oh yeah, also Pocket was retired earlier this year, and with it I kinda stopped reading articles on my phone... I tried the substack app for awhile, but I prefer Reader Mode.
The formatting of this blog was inspired by it actually. I wanted the creating and reading to focus just on the writing.
I tend to go between consuming traditional media, as well as educational podcasts, the occasional audiobook, and reading ebooks on my old Kindle. I will buy my favs on physical sometimes.
I've always been a shuffle kind of music listener. (ipod shuffle got me hooked lol) I like a lot of niche music and singles, so I enjoy that feeling. But I've also been more appreciative of the work and arrangement that goes into making a proper album as well. I'd like to keep checking that out.
---
Still working on using my phone as a phone, and computer as a computer.
I recently looked at my yearly screentime, and it was a very embarassing number.
But less than 1% of that time was using my phone as a phone, so I am determined to change that in the future. I'll keep trying!
That's because you need a lot of deep focus and time to create.
I'm not the best at focusing, but I know it's important. I'm doing what I can.
Like for example this post took about maybe 4-5 hours to write? (I did it in 2 sessions.) That's about 23,000 in length, or 480-ish lines. And then a few hours to edit and add HTML tags to it.
So yeah, I don't hate the internet. I love it a lot sometimes.
(Someday I hope I'll be able to do more merch and cool physical rewards and stuff too.)
---
Still working on learning how to be less hard on myself! And taking things less over-serious-ly...
But I am having more fun! Being able to create and share it makes me happier.
>>>"Caring and being happy don't have to be separate things!"
...Damn I said that? Whoops. I guess that one didn't stick, but maybe next time? lol
Hmm, what could I say this time?
How about:
Don't forget to check in with yourself! If you don't take care of yourself, you'll feel bad! And if you feel bad it'll be harder to do the things that are important.
So take care of yourself, and be less hard on yourself! You're older than before, but you still have the future ahead of you. If you believe in yourself, then you can accomplish more than you think!
Thanks for reading! That's about it from me for now! Hope this helped out and gave some new insights. See you next time!
If you'd like to reply to this I have a comment box and a contact email.
If you'd like to support what I do, I have a Ko-fi.