It's been about roughly 2 months since I started creating on YouTube.(*)
I wanted to go over changes and things I've thought about thus far.
(*)By creating on YouTube, I mean semi-consistently instead of one off efforts. I made a few videos in the past, but it was things like AMVs or small edits. This post and future posts will start from that date.
When it comes to if I make a topic into a video or a blog post, it depends on how I think the audience will react.
I recently re-sorted the blog topics (when writing this), in case I decide to want to do more youtube updates here. I think sometimes a blog post is better for longer posts, while community tab is better for smaller posts.
I relapsed a bit on the numbers... lol
YouTube Studio has a lot of numbers and trends, and being new to it, I wanted to stay on top of things. I thought maybe it would help me better understand how the videos were doing.
However, after a gradual increase and a sudden sharp dip, I decided to step back a bit from checking. I took the app off my phone for now. I felt pretty discouraged by that sudden dip, as I felt like there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it. I took a break after that, and I admit that's my bad. But I'm only one person, so there's only so much I can do at once.
I still check it occasionally, but I'm trying to learn how to attach less to each individual work. Hopefully over time I'll get better at that.
I'm having fun! I'm still figuring it out. Trying not to let the numbers get me down.
I didn't realize I signed up for being a graphic designer, but okay!
I'm having fun figuring it out! However, because of my wrist being hurt, the thumbnails are really holding me back. My wrist still hurts at times, and it slows down how many videos I can do.
I don't love editing. It's tedious, but it's okay.
I get really sad when I accidentally am muted when recording, or have to redo a section. I get frustrated when things fuck up.
I'm having fun! Even if it's mostly playing games by myself right now. I like doing it occasionally.
When writing this I have about 30 subscribers on youtube on my main channel, and 6 subscribers on my 2nd channel.
I've had a handful of people commenting on youtube and my website. I really enjoy reading them! I'm always glad to see people enjoying what I do! I hope I'll be able to do more cool and fun things in the future!
I've been wanting to write about this for awhile. I've been feeling this feeling increasing lately, and was struggling to say it in a relaxed way.
I write about NoSurf sometimes. I've read a lot about it.
I came across a post recently that I don't want to link out of courtesy. But it got me thinking, I need to say this.
Just because I enjoy talking about this subject (NoSurf & digital communities), doesn't mean I'm going to be a shining example of this sect/tribe/group. I was feeling really guilty about it for a long time. "You talk about this, and yet you are still doing it. Stop being a hypocrite!"
But coming across that post, and seeing people labelled as "losers". That irritated me.
I didn't become a "loser" from being online too much, I was online too much because I was a "loser"!
Being online all the time used to be considered a very dorky thing, because only those who couldn't fit in would be online that much. And maybe in the near future it'll be that way again. I don't know.
So then, why do it? If you know why, why are you still here?
When the internet is functioning as it should, it's pretty great! It's when things get derailed that it can, well, fall into enshittification.
I realized, I'm not an online "person". I'm an online "creator". And I understand now what I want this all to be for.
My IRL self has never been the focus of my internet activities. Partly for privacy, but partly because I don't want to!
MY IRL self is pretty much a typical awkward nerd. I don't think that would be interesting to talk about. And I don't really care for my IRL looks either.
I know online culture has a big hype around IRL face reveals, and IRL vlogs, and IRL selfies, and all that. That's never really been my thing.
Maybe it's cope, maybe it's shyness, maybe it's low self esteem. Maybe.
I don't know if I'll ever do one. I'm a bit mixed on it. I don't really want to focus on that, but I know people get curious.
The only time I really personally care about that kind of thing, is when it comes to fan interaction. I've always wanted to do meetups, and IRL events, and stuff, in a distant someday. In my daydreams about what it could be like lol
I know for most people, they need to see someone's IRL face to truly connect to them. To see the look in their eyes, and the smile on their face.
Right now my thoughts are "I don't want that kind of pressure. I'm nothing, really. But maybe one day, I'll have a more clear idea of what to do."
So here is my weird logic on things.
My thoughts are "If many online are pretending, what is the point of that self being their IRL self? Why not have it be a character?".
So I think when it comes to being a VTuber, and having a persona character, it's for that reason. That's not to say I'm a liar, but rather, I feel more comfortable this way. This feels better to me. Even if it's difficult to explain how.
Think of it as the digital equivelent to older mediums.
I wanted to separate my creative self from my IRL self. I consider them different people. This is a clearer way of doing that.
And yes, some of it might be a tiny bit because of self loathing. I just feel like I already struggle enough, I don't need people egging my IRL self too. (But if it comes to that one day, it is what it is)
I've heard a lot through my times on the digital world, and it's probably poisoned my brain somewhat. It's like, I don't even need to see it anymore to hear it. I can already predict the responses.
That is why I was so afraid to start. I know what a risk this is. What a risk it could become. I know the danger of it. I needed time to become braver. You might not believe me, but I do have a lot of social anxiety.
That's another thing. As an introvert and shy person, the internet gave me a space to find my own voice. Both in the written word voice, and outloud voice.
I used to barely speak a word. I didn't want to stand out. But now I do. But more because of my creative work specifically.
I realized that behind a screen, behind a keyboard, I can talk a lot. A lot, alot. lol
And I try not to abuse that. I used to get heated a lot when I was younger, and I regret a lot of that. It was a venting space for me.
But I also feel like it's a place that can be positive too. It's helped me smile, and laugh, and cheer people on.
As a creator, I want to be able to give back to the place that gave me so much. I want to help future creators and netizens and whoever wants to read this. When I write about this topic, it's to get these thoughts out of my head, and so you can see them too.
That through creating, I am leaving my long term status of "lurker", and slowly becoming an active contributor. I want to be part of that too.
This isn't meant to be a guide. There are other people who do that, and some of them are on my links list.
But rather, these are both my positive and negative experiences with the internet. This isn't meant to be strictly pro-internet or anti-internet. Too much screentime is bad, m'kay? I can agree with that, and I'll be the first to say I need to get better at that.
However, I think it's important to talk about this. I want people to be able to choose what is best for them.
If you decide that you want to use the internet less? That's okay. As a numbers person, I'm supposed to say "no! don't go!", but I'm not just a numbers person.
Obviously as a creator, I want you to be here. I want you to read these silly posts and maybe check out my other stuff. But I don't want others to miss out on life for the digital.
I want people to be more intentional about what exactly they want to do online. I don't want you severely addicted.
Your time belongs to you!
I don't want you to get buyer's remorse from your wasted time. It hurts. Although to some degree, I think we'll always wonder what could be different. The grass is always greener on the other side.
For me, making this character, and choosing that character as my online persona, that is my choice of being more intentional online. This is what I want to do, and how I want to do it.
The digital all blends together after awhile. It's information overload.
I don't want anyone to feel trapped here. That they are shouting into a void, that they are wasting their time.
Social media isn't what it was sold as. Yes, it can make careers. It can be amazing and crazy. But it's not as easy as it looks.
Because I've been trying to "make it" for a long time, and sometimes I get afraid it was all a waste. That only I will remember all those failed years. That I wasted my 20s because of depression and fear. That I drowned in my own misery, and went online among the others who were miserable too. That I was stuck in an echo chamber of misery, where we all mirrored endlessly how hopeless we all felt.
I want better than that for you. I deserved better, and you deserve better too.
Part of me writing about all of this is so maybe you won't repeat my mistakes. I didn't know what I was getting into, but you do. At least more than I did.
Growing up, I was told this was the future. That social media was everything! That you'd be a fool not to join! It wasn't that long ago, but feels like forever ago.
I don't believe you're a loser. I don't believe you're broken. I don't believe you're nothing. I think you're misunderstood. I can't say why, but I do. You're not just a number to me. (but I also understand boundaries and parasocial talking is weird, idk)
Maybe one day I'll be overwhelmed and have to lean back from direct chatting. Humans can only cope with so much and I can't know everyone. As much as I wish I could. I'm not an AI here.
Maybe one day AI creators will replace human creators. That opening a digital avatar is opening a can of worms to being replaced. I'm aware of that, and I've thought of that. But, I'm used to liking niche things. I'm used to being in tiny forgotten spaces. I will keep doing my thing, regardless of if it's trendy or not. That's how I roll.
So even if some day AI gets super smart, and everyone is following AI creators because they can create 24/7 and have less of those pesky human emotions and limitations, I'll be doing this as long as I'm capable of it. Whether that's once a week, or once a month, or once a year. Whether that's to a big crowd, or a small crowd, or a few lingering on.
I might not be as fast as others, I might not be as good as others. I doubt myself all the time! So much!
But I believe in this. Creating means a lot to me. I'm not just a creator, but a fan. Creators older than me changed my life. And now as I get older (not super old, but older by internet standards), some creators are younger than me too. I'll keep saying it, but I want to stay in this world. I want to stay with the creatives. I'll keep cheering them on, large or small or tiny. Maybe not super loud, but I'm there. I care.
Uhhh maybe I should save the creative speech for another time. lol
So besides the weirdos like me who like looking at anime faces... (aaaaa why does that sound so weird in text?!)
Here are some of the appeals of having a character.
Some people like to be super in character. Some people like to not be in character at all. As for me? I feel like it's more in the middle.
I like being honest with people. I like to speak my mind. I haven't really fully fleshed out the lore or kayfabe yet. Just a rough concept pitch. So I can't speak a ton about that yet.
But when it comes to the blog, I like to be a bit more loose. It's not really a "VTuber blog", but "a blogger that happens to be a VTuber".
Although I think a in character VTuber themed blog could be interesting! I've seen a few VTuber websites and I like them!
I didn't start this because I saw others doing it, but because I wanted to do it. And I'm glad I did!
I probably won't talk about the meta stuff again for awhile. If you need a lore reason, you could say this blog is my "IRL-ish" self talking.
I ended up doing more of a 2-in-1 style in this one. I couldn't help it, as I feel like these topics are tangled together.
If you'd like to reply to this I have a comment box and a contact email.
If you'd like to support what I do, I have a Ko-fi.
If you got this far, thank you for reading!